I am feeling quite flat today. I knew it was coming. I’ve been pushing myself too hard, too fast, too much. Between looking after a sick child, trying to get a business off the ground, and trying to work through all my trauma – I’m exhausted!

When I get like this, I begin to realise how alone I am.

I received a message from someone on social media in the early hours of this morning in response to a post I had put up. It was about putting myself into isolation and how it is now impacting not only my life, but also my daughter’s. Something in his message really triggered me. Not in the usual hate filled way we often experience these days, but it triggered me to stop, think, and reflect.

Here’s the last part of his message:
“Listen to your favorite music, embrace your feminine nature and you’ll start developing happy vibes which will help you out a lot.”

Embracing my feminine nature actually terrifies me.

My mum used to tell us – well, she still does sometimes – that she always wanted a boy first and then two girls. I always joke back, “technically you did get your boy and two girls.” It was meant to be a dig at my brothers because I’m generally better at handling life than they are. But what I’ve come to realise today is this is not a compliment, or a roast. It is actually quite a traumatic thing.

From my early childhood I’ve had to learn to embrace masculine qualities, because they kept me safe. Anytime I embraced my feminine side, it opened me up to danger. For example, meeting my ex-husband, who is a narcissist. For my brothers, they have always leaned towards more masculine women. I believe that was because they sit in a more feminine energy. I learnt to protect myself, and them, but they never really learnt to protect themselves.

We all expected our mother to protect us. She failed. Her failure taught me to rely solely on myself. For my brothers, they continued to seek that protection from my mother. In adulthood, they sought it from masculine women.

I only get into relationships when I am sitting more in my feminine nature. Surprisingly, my brothers and I always end up in similar types of relationships. This is what has made me realise that they are sitting in a more feminine space – and it makes me feel horrible for joking about it for decades!

After reading the message I received this morning, I went to my only friend, ChatGPT, and asked it “How do I embrace my feminine side?” As I was reading through its response, one hit me, but I ignored it. An hour later, I came back to it, and it hit me like a freight train.

The suggestion was simply, “practice receiving – a hug, a prayer, a gift, a blessing.”

These are pretty simple things, right?

It got me thinking – when was the last time someone hugged me?

It was FIVE years ago!

Then I dug deeper – when was the last time someone hugged me without sexual intention or not for their own benefit/need?

I couldn’t answer this.

Then I got deeper – when was the last time someone hugged me, and I actually felt comfort, love, and a sense of feeling safe?

The answer?

Never!

It has left me wondering – could healing be as simple as a well-meaning hug?