Welcome! This post ties in with The Path to Isolation Part 1 and The Path to Isolation Part 2, which you may wish to read first for understanding.

Trigger Warning: I will discuss attempted suicide and sexual assault in this post. If you are triggered by these events, please do not continue to read this blog post.

The Task
In this post, I will work with my inner voices, or psyche, to help heal my inner child from the events which took place in 2002. I have held onto these events for a very long, and they have had a great impact on all aspects of my life. Let’s get to it!

Calling on my Inner Guardian
Inner Guardian, I invite you now. Stand beside me and keep me safe as I revisit these memories. Let your presence remind me: I am safe, I am protected, I am whole.

Connecting with my Inner Child (Part 1: Event 1)
I am picturing my 15-year-old self. I can see her — a petite girl, with chin length brunette hair, soft hazel eyes, sitting in her room, in her much-loved low-rise jeans and a red top (because red was her colour — she’s an Aries after all). She’s sitting on her bedroom floor, with her back against the edge of her bed. She’s got her phone beside her, but she’s distracted with her music.

Her phone notifies her of a new message. She picks it up and opens the message. Her heart sinks. It is her boyfriend telling her that her friends — which she’d allowed to connect with him — were sending him sexual messages. Almost instantly, she receives a message from her friend stating that her boyfriend was sending her sexual messages and she wanted to let her know.

I can see the pain and confusion in her face. She reads both messages again. And again. And again. Her mind is ticking over at a thousand miles a second. Her heart is racing. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s never been in this situation before. Who does she question? Who’s telling the truth? Why had she allowed them to connect? Why had she trusted them? Why didn’t she consider this? How could she be so naive?

She thinks for a while, giving herself time to process and plan. She messages her boyfriend and tells him that the friend had told her that he was sending the messages. He denies it. She messages the friend and asks her if she can show her proof of the messages at school. The friend refuses. The friend is upset and accuses her of blaming her and taking the boyfriend’s side. This is not true. All she asked for was to be shown proof. Why would the friend refuse to provide proof if she was innocent?

I can see the pain on her face as she realises that she has been betrayed — whether it was by her friend, her boyfriend, or both, she did not know. The betrayal was still there. It existed. She blamed herself for trusting them.

At school, she becomes an outcast. Her pain increases as her so-called friends ignore her, tease her, and talk crap about her. Shame and guilt overcome her. The pain from the loss of her friends is overwhelming. She blames herself. She hates herself for causing such a mess. If only she hadn’t been so stupid. If only she hadn’t trusted them.

I watch on. I can see the exact moment a piece of her dies. It comes from her ability to trust. I also witness a piece taking its place. It’s the fear of betrayal. Her heart hardens and she swears to herself this will never happen again. She won’t let it. She will never give anyone the opportunity to betray her again.

(Part 1: Events 2-5)
She tries to move on with her life, but the spiral continues. She puts her trust in another friend and is left feeling used. She then makes a mistake, which should only impact her life, but another friend decides it also impacts his. The rumour he spreads ruins her. She doesn’t understand why all this is happening to her. Was she a bad person? Had she done something to deserve this hell? Was it even worth living? Her space is dark. There is no light there. She isolates herself from everyone to find some peace. The peace never comes. Darkness surrounds her.

(Part 2)
As she’s struggling with life, her innocence is taken from her by two people she loves and would never expect to hurt her in such a horrific way. The pain inside her overpowers her. It is stronger than anything she has ever felt before. She tries to take it away but fails. So, she buries it deep inside. I watch the life leave her eyes. The child that walked into this year was gone. She had died and was replaced with an empty shell. She completely shut herself off — emotionally, mentally, and physically. She knew she would never recover from what had happened to her. She swore she would never allow it to happen again. She was numb. The darkness consumed her. She grew content. The darkness comforted her. It made her angry, which meant others left her alone. It became her home for a long time.

Through the darkness, I reach out — it’s time to guide her home. Her real home.

Psyche Responses

Inner Nurturer
Dear Sweet Child, I am here, wrapping my arms around you. You did not deserve these things to happen. You are so incredibly loved. None of this was your fault. It is natural to put your trust in others. Their betrayal reflects who they are, not you. I am here for you. You do not have to carry this alone. I will not abandon you. Lean on me. Rest on me. Let me take care of you. I love you, always.

Inner Leader
Dear Younger Me, I am sorry for the things you had to go through. You did not deserve those things. Yet out of them has grown a woman of strength and resilience. Your hardships taught us survival — and because of you, we made it through. But now, we no longer need to live by survival alone. We are safe. We are capable.

We are capable of trust. We are capable of love. We are capable of joy. What happened does not define us. It was only a moment in time — and time passes. We remain.

It is safe now to be the person we have always known ourselves to be: kind, caring, trusting, loving. Shame, guilt, anger, and fear once served a purpose, but they no longer lead us. They are no longer needed for the journey ahead.

We are not the trauma. We are not the abuse. We are not betrayal or disloyalty. We are not other people’s opinions. We are free to be our authentic self.

We are brave. We are strong. We are resilient. We are warriors. We are love. We are light. We are wonderfully made in the image of the Most High. We can, and will, move mountains. We are peace. We are joy. We are free.

Inner Spirit
My child, I love you. There has not been a single moment in your life where I have not been with you. Even in your darkest hours, I was with you. My hand was extended the whole time. You bravely reached out and took it, allowing me to lift you into the light. To lift you into freedom. To lift you into love. Welcome to the peace you’ve always longed for, my child. I will never leave you, and you will never have to feel lost again.

Inner Child Response
Thank you all for coming for me. I can see you, hear you, and feel you. I now know that I am safe. I know that I am loved. I know that I am not at fault.

I can see that these experiences have helped me build the strength and awareness needed to keep myself safe from harm. I can now understand that these same skills, which have kept me safe but isolated, can be used in a new way. They are reassurance that I am strong, I am worthy, and I can step out into the world because I have faced it head on and lived to tell the tale.

I have nothing to fear. I have everything I need — I have me. And nothing is more valuable than that.

Signing Off
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I’m mostly writing these for myself, with the hope that they might help at least one other person out there.

The journey is hard — it’s uncomfortable and it’s terrifying. We don’t really know what’s under the surface until we start digging. The deeper you go, the more horrific it gets. But we have to remember: all these things are weights. They drag us down. They make it impossible to keep our heads above water. Every day, they keep us drowning.

As we release them, we rise closer to the surface. We get lighter. We get to breathe. We get to live.

It’s all worth the hard work, the discomfort, and the fear. Face it all — I know you can do it. You just need to believe in yourself. Remember, you are not alone. You never were.

Much love,
Tarz