The Task
During my last psychologist appointment, my homework was to dig deep and find the reason for why I avoid life and people. After going through the usual process, my only answer was control. When I avoid people and the outside world by staying home, I have control over that. I cannot control the outside world or people. But where did this need for control come from? Where did it start? Why did it start? Why is it still here?

Experiences
I can think of many experiences in my life where a sense of control has been taken from me or where it has helped me through a certain situation. The memories I first thought back to when reaching into my inner self for an answer were from my teenage years. It was a series of events that took place over the course of a year – between the age of 15 and 16.

Let’s dig into those events.

Event 1
The year is 2002. I was 15, turning 16. I had formed a long-distance, online relationship with a boy in Sydney. Let’s call him Marcus. I was in Year 10 at school and had had the same friendship group since Year 7. There were two girls in the group who were my closest friends – let’s call them Stephanie and Rhianna. Even though we lived in different states, I still had the opportunity to meet and build relationships with some of Marcus’ friends – just like in a normal, in-person relationship. When my own friends asked to connect with Marcus, I didn’t really think anything of it. I had known these girls for years. I trusted them. I was 14 when I entered the relationship with Marcus, so I had built up trust for him as well.

My friend, Stephanie, approached me one day and asked if she could have Marcus’ phone number, as she wanted to get to know the boy her “best friend” had been dating for a year. I asked Marcus and then gave it to her, so they could get to know each other. As I said, I did not find this weird as I had already been speaking to most of his friends online, and some of them had my phone number. I had issues with one of his friends, but the rest had been great so far. I did not think anything of allowing my boyfriend to talk to my best friend.

Fast forward a little bit. I don’t remember how long it was between me giving Stephanie his number and when the shit hit the fan. I don’t think it was very long. Maybe a few days, or weeks. Anyway, I was at home, and Stephanie sent me a message and said, “Rhianna and I were texting with Marcus, and he started to say sexual things to us. We just wanted to let you know.” This boy and I always spoke. We were either texting, or we were chatting online. So, while he was texting with them, he was also texting me telling me what they were talking about. He had sent me a message prior to Stephanie’s message, stating that the girls had started asking sexual questions.

I didn’t know who to believe, and since I couldn’t physically ask for proof from Marcus, I asked Stephanie to show me the messages at school on Monday. She refused to show me. I still don’t know why she refused. If she had not done anything wrong, she would have shown me, right? Her refusal put a wedge between our friendship. Although, she went on to tell everyone that I put a boy I did not know before our friendship. I watched on as I was pushed out of our friendship group, as everyone sided with her. She was always great at playing a victim.

I never took Marcus’ side. I believe I knew him enough to somewhat believe he did not send them those messages. To this day, I believe that Rhianna, who is definitely not a good person, instigated whatever did happen because she is very vindictive and jealous. In saying that, my trust for all three of them was gone.

As my friendships fell apart, I tried to maintain my relationship with Marcus. It was challenging, as I never knew the truth. The not knowing casted so much doubt, and it has caused so many issues since in other relationships. I just don’t trust. I forced myself to stay with him because I loved him and I wanted to be with him. In the end, it caused more damage than anything. Within a few months, my entire life fell apart. I became this person I didn’t recognise.

Event 2
I started hanging out with two other girls I had kind of been friends with, but we didn’t really hang out before. They were into drinking, drugs, and sex. That was not me. I would drink at parties, but I had never touched drugs nor had sex. One of the girls knew that I wasn’t into that stuff and she always protected me from it. She was good like that. Eventually she stopped coming to school, so the other girl, let’s call her Samara, and I became closer. We would hang out more. One day she came to me and asked if I wanted to go to a party with her. She was going to stay at my house, and my mum would drive us. I had turned 16 by this stage of the story.

My mum agreed to take us to this party. It was some guy from school, but I didn’t know him or most of the people there. It was mostly boys – some of them were from our school, but most were from other schools in the area. While at the party, I found out that Samara had only wanted to go so she could hook up with some guy, and she needed a way to get there. So, I was left on my own for most of the time. It was not the typical party I was used to going to. My old friendship group were not into drugs, this crowd was. I felt extremely out of place, until a boy approached me.

We talked for a while. He was very kind and funny. Thinking back, I would describe him as exactly my type. After we talked for a bit, he kissed me. I didn’t stop him. I kissed him back. Yes, I was still in a relationship with Marcus. To this day, I am still not proud of allowing it to take place, but I don’t know if that is because I cheated on my relationship, or because it lit the fire that burnt my entire world down to the ground.

Event 3
The party Samara and I had attended took place on a Friday night. The following night, I attended a party for another friend – from a different group. It was only a small gathering to celebrate her 16th birthday. One of the boys from Stephanie and Rhianna’s group was there. We had been friends since Year 7 as well, but I tried my best to avoid him – he had sided with them. As I was dancing with one of the other girls, he came up to me and got in my face. It was weird, as I had never seen him be confrontational before. He never was with me. He started yelling at me for cheating on Marcus. I did not even know how he knew at that point in time. It would take me until just a few weeks ago (23 years) to work out who had told him and why he had gone off at me – more on that later.

Event 4
By the time I went back to school Monday, a rumour had begun to circulate. I won’t go into what it was. It was disgusting and didn’t just drag my name and reputation through the mud, but also the boy I had met on the Friday night. Within just a couple of weeks, my school life became absolute hell. I stopped going. Every time I went back, it got worse. Eventually I convinced my mum to let me drop out. She didn’t know what was going on. I have never told her what actually happened. She just knew that I didn’t want to go back. Changing schools would not have helped. At that point in time, I thought it was the boy I had met on the Friday night that had started this rumour.

Event 5
I was out of school a couple of months. I had been talking to a friend, and she wanted me to come see her at school. I thought by that time people would have moved on from it all. I went to see her. They had not moved on. Since I now know one of the two people who started the rumour, I will introduce him like this – the little arsehole (yes, his name starts with ‘A’) who was at the party on the Friday, and concocted this bullshit rumour with his friend, came up to me and asked me if it was true. He, then, proceeds to go collect the boy from the Friday night, who had transferred schools right after I left, and brings him to me. The boy looked at me and said, he doesn’t recall any of what was said happening between us. He had a genuine apologetic look in his eyes. I knew then that it was not him who had started this rumour, but I didn’t know who did.

The Beginning of Isolation
I never went back to the school again after that day. I cut contact with everyone from there. It sent me into a spiral of isolation and depression. I ended my relationship with Marcus – mostly out of guilt. I pushed everyone away. I locked myself in my bedroom. I slept all day and was online all night. No one I spoke to online knew what had taken place in the real world. No one that I had around me in the real world knew what had happened either. Online became my safe haven. It still is until this very day.

Closing Statement
I am not going to do inner child work here for these events. In Part 2, we will look at other events that took place once I left school. Once I’ve gone through everything from that time period, I will most likely do a post entirely dedicated to working with my inner-child and releasing and finally closing this chapter of my life. I have held onto these things for 23 years. They have controlled my entire adult life. I don’t want to rush through this because I don’t want to leave anything behind that can continue to cause me pain and harm.